THREE months later…we have a lot of catching up to do. (What is this? All answers are HERE.)
Eleanor on choosing valentines for her class:
“I have to find some with candy so I don’t disappoint people with tattoos or something…”
Epic fail on cross country skiing today. We drove almost 3 hours to WV and 20 minutes into the trail, we had to admit defeat. It was like a sheet of ice – terrible for kids learning how (not to mention their mom who was a novice the last time she skied over 10 years ago). Even Chris who loves it, fell on an easy hill. I actually spent an inordinate amount of time lying next to Oliver in the snow trying to teach him how to get up without letting his skis slide forward. On the upside, think I could now easily teach an advanced “getting up clinic.”
The rest was 100% damage control. George believes us that it will be better when there is more snow on the ground. Eleanor manages an unenthusiastic “skeptical.” Oliver thinks we’re full of it.
I took this picture right after we gave up, jokingly telling everyone to smile and say, “we love skiing!” Oliver refused to play and his face pretty much sums up the day.
George: So Dad – Spanish is written in English. It just means different things.
Me: Yes – Spanish and English are written with the same alphabet.
I speak fluent George.
Oliver is working on valentines for his class, and every time he looks up the next name on the list it goes something like this…
“Okay…’Christopher’…hey! I know him!”
Every single time.
For Oliver, life is one long string of delightful surprises.
8:30 a.m., nowhere to go and it’s freezing outside…
Me: Why are you putting on your coat?
Oliver: So I can be a mysterious figure.
Me: A mysterious figure?
Oliver: With gloves.
Well, obviously with gloves…
Alex Tudor: I’m starting to notice lines on my forehead.
Me: I don’t see them.
Me: No – but this is when you start to get “fine lines”. I mean, before the they get really deep and obvious.
Eleanor: Yeah – like Mom’s.
And she’s not even being a smart ass! Trying really hard not to feel like an old hag… Also – Happy Valentine’s Day!
Chris just sent me this picture. Takeaways:
1. If Chris stays home from work and I am out for the day, the bed will never be made.
2. Alice really knows how to make herself comfortable in an unmade bed.
3. Alice may be possessed.
“You guys – we should start a band.”
-overheard in the next room #9YearOldGirlRiteOfPassage
Me: Look! There’s a cardinal outside!
Eleanor: I see it.
Me: Oh wait – that’s not the one I saw. That’s a female. The males are bright red. There was a bright red one there a second ago. I guess there are two of them.
Eleanor: Maybe they’re…
Me: …a couple.
Eleanor: Or just mating.
Hello, Miss Sophisticated!
George: Mom – did you know that your stomach is the most powerful organ in your body?
Me: It is?
George: Yes. Because it produces acid, and acid can destroy anything.
What a gorgeous day to get out and vote! Since the kids were home, Diane Cooper Gould and I took turns watching them outside. I had serious deja vu watching them play “throw the shoe” and realized that they did the same thing last time we voted. Also realized that I never actually asked them if they were throwing one of THEIR OWN shoes….and that they would make excellent child settlers out on the prairie. Who needs electronics when you can play catch with shoes or pig bladders or whatever.
Friday happy hour at Diane Cooper Gould’s house and we (okay – Cathy Trocchia and I) just had a very animated (and completely serious) 20 minute discussion about vacuum cleaners. #ThisIsMiddleAge #RetractableCords4Ever
Look what I just found in George’s backpack….
How was he not “respecting each other and our teachers” and “controlling our bodies and our voices”?
“Slideing around the floor.”
What are some things he plans to do to make sure he continues to follow the “5 school rules”?
“Stop slide across the floor.”
My takeaway: how the hell does he know how to spell across?? It took me 10 years and auto-correct to master that particular C and S combination. Oh – and I’ll believe it when I see it.
Me: Sorry Oliver. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just feeling frustrated.
Oliver: Don’t be frustrated. Be cheerful.
I’ve said it before…Oliver IS Buddy the Elf.
My kind of party. And yes – it actually WAS a cat’s birthday party. Better yet? It wasn’t THAT cat’s birthday. It was a joint party for two other cats. Suburban night life is no joke. There has to be an Awkward Family Photos card in there…#HappyBirthdaytoSpike #HappyBirthdaytoHector
George is in the corner watching YouTube videos…
George: “Kids react to Clash of Clans”??
Me: Is that an inappropriate video?
George: No Mom. It’s KIDS watching Clash of Clans. Not teenagers or adults or elders.
This put my mind at ease, as you know how inappropriate those “elders” can be…
Finished watching the third season of House of Cards earlier this week, and haven’t been able to get the theme music out of my head. On the upside, it does add an element of drama to grocery shopping…
If I had to write a book about my life right now, it would be titled, “I Don’t Love My New Vacuum – And Other First World Problems”.
I really want to put away the snow pants, but the minute I do, we’ll get 3 feet of snow. #NotTemptingFate
Discussion while Eleanor and our five year old neighbor, Mary are making Easter cards…
Mary: When my brother was in my mother’s tummy, I wasn’t even invented yet.
Eleanor: Well, the name Mary was invented.
Mary: Yes! By the mother of God!
Me: That’s right! [Because in my house anything “cute” that comes out of a child’s mouth is automatically deemed true.]
Mary: Yeah – and a long time ago I used to talk to God every night.
Me: That’s nice.
Mary: Because I love him!
Mary: Because he made cotton candy!
Not that this dialog is at all related our family’s heathen idolatry practice of worshiping chocolate bunnies….or wait – maybe it is…
I’m trying to get some work done, but Mary (the five year old hanging out at my house) is bored. Eleanor is no help as she is now doing something very important on an electronic device…
Mary: I have nothing to do!
Me: [glancing up from the computer] Why don’t you practice sliding down the stairs on your tummy?
Eleanor: She’s already perfected that.
Mary: The rug burns on my stomach hurt.
Clearly, I missed my calling as a daycare service provider…
George: Mom – can I ask you a question?
George: …No – wait. I’ll just tell you the answer.
I’m basically superfluous to our conversations.
“Well – I’m not going to play into the drama…”
Things I say to nine year olds when I just don’t have the energy to come up with something age appropriate.
Uncle Steve’s barn apartment/painting studio. AKA: one of the many living spaces I’m NOT responsible for cleaning this weekend. I love being a house guest…
Uncle Steve gave the twins a painting lesson, but George had more answers than questions…
“French people use these.”
Today after an Easter egg hunt in Uncle Steve’s barn apartment/painting studio I was looking at the art with George. I told him that I thought these two paintings (that happen to be in gold frames) are my favorites. So immediately, he exclaimed, “OH! Because they’re framed in GOLD.”
I started to reply, “well no – but now that you mention it…the frames do kind of confine them in a way that creates a focus on…” And he was already standing next to another painting, saying, “yeah – THIS baby needs a gold frame.”
George has this whole art thing figured out…#ItNeedsSomeBowsOrSomethin‘
It’s after 1:00 on Easter and my boys are still in sweat pants. I assume there will be bribes/threats happening 10 minutes before company is due to arrive… Even then, Oliver will do something weird like insist on buttoning his polo shirt all the way up and George will still have THAT HAIR he has… It’s not easy being a girly, twirly-party-dress-wearing little girl at heart in this family.
First fancy Easter party in about 11 years!
Feeling very smug about not only remembering to take pictures this weekend, but actually handing the camera to someone else so I could be in a couple as well!
Did the Hood girls represent at the Fancy Easter Party? #OHITHINKSO
Last week we were at some good friends’ house for their daughter’s birthday. There was ice cream cake and Oliver’s only complaint was that I wouldn’t let him have a second piece.
Eleanor was supposed to spend the night, but after a long day in DC, decided she wasn’t up to it. Her friend (also exhausted after a long day in DC) was crushed and needed some consoling. Oliver happened to be in the room where her mom brought her to talk. He asked what she was wrong and the mom said, “well things aren’t turning out as she expected and she’s feeling a little sad.” My son said, “me too! I didn’t get another piece of cake.” From the other room I could hear low murmurs, and while the tears seemed to be slowing down, they hadn’t actually stopped. Then, during quiet pause, I heard Oliver offer some words of comfort: “well…I hope you get a pinata.”
If there are two things that boy loves on a birthday, it’s ice cream cake and a pinata. So that’s just what we did today after school for HIS ELEVENTH (someone pass the smelling salts) birthday. The kids on our block came over, and as soon as everyone scraped the last of the Carvel chocolate cookie crumbs from their plates, we pulled out the pinata.
Tonight after dinner, I let Oliver have a second piece of cake and decided that if I ever write a self help book, it will be titled, “I Hope You Get a Pinata.”
Happy birthday to my very first baby!
This may be premature… But I’m starting to think that I MIGHT not win the 1 million dollars… #sadtrombone
This evening I got distracted by Facebook and burned the roast. To be categorized under “If social media existed in 1950’s sitcoms.”
Some days, it’s hard to wake up. Other days, it’s hard to rise from the dead. Today would be the latter. No wonder zombies are so slow.
Women my age look at pictures of ourselves from 25 years ago and say, “Oh my god! Look at how young I was! I was so pretty! Why did I think I was fat? I only wish I had that skin now…” Then other people look at those same pictures of us and say, “Oh my god! Look at your eyebrows!”
It’s all about the lens.
5 year old neighbor: Are you allergic to flowers?
Me: No. Why?
5 year old neighbor: [hands me a dandelion]
That kid says “your house smells bad,” to me on the regular…but she sure can be sweet sometimes.
Eleanor is working on her math homework and it seems to involve figuring out patterns of numbers and placing them in boxes (it’s called “Magic Squares”)…
Chris: Hey that’s Sudoku.
Me: It is?
Me: So Sudoku is just math?
Me: No wonder I never wanted to try Sudoku.
I fully embrace my gender stereotype…
When something bad is about to happen in a book or movie you love, and every single time, you irrationally hope it won’t happen this time.
Chris coaches George’s soccer team and they lost an important game today…
Eleanor: How was the game?
Chris: We lost.
Eleanor: What was the score?
Eleanor: Eh. Pretty close.
THAT’S MY GIRL!
“So Mom…if I wasn’t in this body…then someone else would be controlling this body.”
-Existential conversations with George
Earlier when the kids were brushing their teeth, I overheard Eleanor say, “remember to floss, boys.”
She’s raisin’ ’em right!
Once George’s hair gets aerodynamic, I know it’s time to cut it.
“We’re NOT late – you still have one minute to change.”
Another leisurely arrival at swim class! Hey – just doing my part. These kids’ anxiety issues aren’t going to create themselves…
2 bottles of wine, a bag of Smart Food popcorn, a reusable water bottle (hidden) and a package of straws. In case you wanted to know what happens when I go shopping without a list…
Since we’re all sharing Prince stories… I was once lucky enough to score two tickets to the Purple Rain concert. Meaning MY FATHER who worked in advertising and had radio station clients was able to score two tickets to the Purple Rain concert. Meaning, HE had to take me – a seventh grader at the time – to the Purple Rain concert. I’m sure he too has fond memories of the concert…especially that part where Sheila E., who opened for Prince pulled a man from the audience and simulated oral sex on him while singing Next Time Wipe the Lipstick Off Your Collar. #MagicalChildhoodMemories
Eleanor: Mom – do you think when I grow up, I’ll have E.T. hands like you?
It may be time to dial back the self deprecatory humor around my kids…
Someday when it’s not relevant anymore, I will master emojis. But for now I just think, “why so much produce?” Is there really ever a text that calls for corn?