Our December sound bites, etc. via Facebook… (What is this? All answers are HERE.)
“Santa doesn’t like it when kids are late for school!”
Seriously – I just went there.
Oliver: Mom, can I have some ice cream?
Me: Oliver! You JUST had popcorn, and in a couple of hours it will be…
Me: NO – dinner!
And then suddenly, it was all so clear. Oliver IS Buddy the Elf.
George: Mom? What does L-I-K-E spell?
Me: George – I think we need to do some more reading practice together. Let’s spend some extra time on that tomorrow, okay?
George: Okay! OR something else.
Not really getting my point…but I’m just happy that he’s still young enough to like the idea of spending time with me.
It just occurred to me that while George is constantly losing his lunch bag and water bottle, those Pokemon cards make it home EVERYDAMNDAY. Think we need to discuss his priorities…
Chris has gotten Easter and the Elf on the Shelf confused. It was his turn to move Charlie last night, and when Eleanor asked me to help her find him I COULDN’T. Finally, George found him wedged between the piano and the wall, behind a picture frame. Not at 6 a.m. Chris…let’s stick to the top of cabinets and chandeliers, okay?
George: Mom! I got a dreidel at school today! And it’s yellow!
Me: Cool! [starts singing an inaccurate version of the dreidel song with great enthusiasm]
George: But DON’T LOOK! Because it’s your Christmas present.
Me: Oh – okay.
Then our five-year-old neighbor came over with the red dreidel he got at school and all of the kids played a rousing dreidel game that requires screaming, “ONE. TWO. THREE. LET ‘ER RIP!!”
Also? I had to google how to spell dreidel.
And NOW they are playing a game where one person throws the dreidel and the other tries to catch it in a half empty Kleenex box. Is this creative or blasphemous? Jewish friends – please let me know if I need to shut that down. Either way, I’m not allowed to watch since the dreidel is my Christmas present and they don’t want to “spoil the surprise.”
If I had to guess, I’d say George “fake falls” approximately 125 times a day. #boys
“I give up” moment of the past week… Hearing suspicious shrieks of laughter over something that George was apparently doing in the basement, I decided to go inquire.
Me: George! What are you doing down there?
George: I’m just pretending that I have a giant penis.
Another snow day…
Oliver has officially earned his “helpful male” merit badge. I asked him if he could grab a pair of pants for Eleanor before coming downstairs. Two seconds later, he handed me her ballet leotard from two years ago.
Apparently, he’s learned “if you don’t do it right the first time, they probably won’t ask you to do it again.” And he’s ONLY EIGHT! #soproud
Eleanor is going to be selling Girl Scout cookies and asked George to help her practice…
Eleanor: [pretends to knock on door]
Eleanor: Hello. My name is Eleanor. I am in Troop 237 and I am selling Girl Scout cookies. Would you like to buy some?
He’s really making her work for this… Epilogue: He purchased 100 boxes.
“You either get over it and go to Dairy Queen, or you can stay home and cry. You can’t do both.”
This applies to about 99% of my parenting strategies. Including the Dairy Queen part.
When you stare daggers at your dog, and Desperate Housewives gasp, “you….BITCH.” I don’t even want to talk about what she did in my basement while we were out…
My fitness plan in haiku form:
Put on workout clothes
They weren’t very flattering
Made nachos instead
Stealth decorating “my tree” while the kids sleep and just came up with a great excuse for not letting them help: OUR ELF did it! They can’t take issue with the guy who reports to Santa…[villainous cackle of victory] Totally worth the coal in my stocking.
I know there are far worse problems to have and I’ll figure it out… But I was just finishing up my tree when it came crashing down, smashing several ornaments (including a few that have been in my family since the 1940s). If I were a more emotive person, I’d scream. #notfestive
Listening to holiday music as I redo the WHOLE EFFING TREE…
Me: Wouldn’t it be fun to be able to sing like Ella Fitzgerald?
Three weeks after seeing Frozen, Oliver is STILL talking about the part where the king and queen leave for a trip (and then never come back)…”Mom, you’ll stay with me? You won’t leave?”
I doubt that boy will ever let me set foot on a boat. And to think my main worry about this movie was that he’d get bored with all the singing!
George has a great deal of diversity in his class this year. So many holidays to celebrate… “Christmas…Kwanzaa…Diwali…Harmonica…”
I’m writing a “12 Days of Binging” song and Chris isn’t supporting my use of “peppermint bark.” Some conservative nonsense about matching syllables…
At what point do kids put 2 and 2 together, noticing that most of the stuff Santa brings is available at Target?
Hark! Let’s do this thing.
Seriously. We are ready! And by “we” I mean three candy cane junkies who wake me up at the crack of dawn to search for an elf.
First round of presents! If you haven’t noticed…I’m not that into my tree…
Oliver likes to sneak up and give me surprise bear hugs. This would be cute if he wasn’t outlandishly strong. I’m not kidding – he could give a full grown man the Heimlich maneuver – no problem. Of course, he FEELS like a “little guy” and has no idea what damage he can do. I’m calling this new era, “the Lenny years.” Also? I think we need a safe word.
I just had an entire conversation with a celebrity who was seated next to me on a plane. In my head. While I folded laundry. That’s a thing, right?
Me to my 3 children and the 5 year old neighbor I’m watching: Who wants to get lunch at Chik-Fil-A? Actually…we might have to hit Target first…
5 year old: Yeah – I was going to try to get to Target later today.
Okay – It was Matthew Perry. I had some questions about how his drug addiction affected his relationships with women (which never seemed very successful…) But really, I spent most of the flight talking about myself. What? You think I ever get seated next to major movie stars in my imagination? Girl, please. Though I’m pretty sure I did have the opportunity to personally declare myself Team Jennifer at some point…
Blue isn’t exactly the most “Christmasy” of colors, but I love my wreaths this year.
Just waiting for Santa to add his… Would it be weird to have a year-round tree? I could decorate it with hearts on Valentines day…flags on Memorial day…
Officially changing, “that’s not an appropriate word,” to “that’s not an appropriate word for kids.” This is for the sake of my husband, as I may have to kill him if I hear, “but DAD says it,” one more time…
Ah December 24th…the one night a year that children who celebrate Christmas WANT to fall asleep.
No holiday card this year (didn’t pull it together LAST YEAR either!) Pretend you just received this “good enough” picture of all three kids NOT looking deranged in the mail with a big “HAPPY HOLIDAYS from the Hoods!” Chris would also like to add a note to all of our neighbors: “keep your blinds shut – George now has a telescope.”
Look what just came in the mail! This is MY Brave.
Apparently, there is much dissatisfaction in my house over the cheap toilet paper I bought. If I remember my scene props correctly, didn’t the Little House on the Prairie crowd use actual PAPER? And I’m fairly certain early man made do with leaves… When did we get so soft?! (Unlike the the toilet paper I bought.)
“I don’t want lighter fluid on mahogany!” I just said that to my husband about the can of lighter fluid he set on an end table.
And earlier, I told my kids, “no one is allowed to say ‘penis’ when we’re in Target.”
I should have one of those “Family Rules” samplers made for our wall. Send me your favorite needlepoint artists on Etsy!
“Nothing has changed. He’s still David Larabee and you’re still the chauffeur’s daughter. And you’re still reaching for the moon.”
“No father. The moon is reaching for me.”
This is the opening quote in my Dad’s book. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Terry Coveny, the ONLY straight man in America who quotes from SABRINA!
The light bulb in our microwave is out and I’m at a total loss. I have to keep opening the door to see if the cheese on my nachos is melting. How did Fred Flinstone live like this?!
George is fascinated by Eleanor’s girl scout cookie sales. Especially how, “everyone wants THINAMINS.”
Do you have a girl scout in your house? Are you hosting a New Year’s Eve party? WELL. This would be an excellent time to put that cookie order sheet on the counter… Drunk people are always happy to put their names on lists and buy stuff. As a general rule, drunk people are “joiners.” Unfortunately for Eleanor, we are not having a party. She’ll just have to count on tomorrow’s hangovers to boost her sales.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!