They Coulda’ Been Great: May-June 2016

Was April really the LAST month I covered for TCBG? Whoah – a lot has happened since then… I drove around the country with my kids for five weeks! But first, let’s start with May through June… (What is this? All answers are HERE.)


May 7

12:53 p.m.

Sitting at a Dunkin Donuts while Oliver is at an appointment, I decided that Mother’s Day is starting early…with TWO French crullers. #MothersDayCaloriesDontCount


May 11

8:30 p.m.

For the first time ever (in the 9 years since we’ve had children in the public school system), Chris signed paperwork for a field trip. Eleanor was going to hand it to me, but he was standing there and told her he would handle it. She also handed him her daily homework completion sheet to sign. He asked her if she had completed her homework yet and she said, “not all of it.” He asked, “why would I sign this now if you haven’t completed it yet?” Eleanor and I looked at each other, then looked at Chris. And I said, “you know nothing Jon Snow.” #noob



May 13

8:04 p.m.

“You know I need to mentally prepare myself for socializing.”

-Things I say to my extroverted friends.


May 14

9:02 p.m.

Sometimes children beg you to take their picture when they’re dressed like horses and you’re talking to your friend and all “ugh…okay, fine.” And 15 years later it’s like the best decision you ever made. Projecting a bit…but I’m pretty sure that’s how it’s going to go down.



May 18

6:52 p.m.

If I had a family food blog, it would be called “Spaghetti Again”. Why does dinner have to be a thing…

7:09 p.m.

I’m pretty sure I learned how to be a grownup by watching Thirtysomething in high school. Little did I know that yes, it would be just that boring.


May 24

7:28 p.m.

This evening at the twins’ third grade violin concert, the violin teacher announced that she likes to keep things “short and sweet.” So I’ve basically met my school concert soulmate. (No picture of Eleanor since her class was waaaay in the back.)



May 25

9:06 a.m.

George: That dog is so cute. I wish I could see what he looked like when he was a puppy. Like right after he came out of his mother’s butt.

Me: He didn’t come out of his mother’s butt. I explained how birth works…

George: Oh yeah! Only cats do that.

We may need to revisit that birds & bees discussion…


May 25

10:42 p.m.

Watching a commercial on Hulu…

Me: I think that’s Lane from Gilmore Girls.

Chris: Hey – did you know they’re supposed to be doing a remake of that show?

No caption necessary.



May 30

10:20 a.m.

Took the boys to get haircuts. So obviously.



June 2

5:37 p.m.

The age old question… “Mom! Search it up!”



June 3

4:44 p.m.

Me: Oliver – can you turn that down please?

Oliver: What?

Me: I asked if you could turn the sound down on your tablet.

Oliver: (no response)

Me: OLIVER! Can you please turn that down?!

Oliver: What are you saying? I can’t hear you.

Me: [Bob Newhart face]

6:20 p.m.

Eleanor is practicing her recorder songs (from sheet music she got at school) including this gem. And if you are wondering – no, it is not recognizable.

Oliver’s commentary: “Can we have some quiet time with no whistling please.”


9:12 p.m.

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here…but it seems to involve a dump truck full of Hot Wheels cars, Minecraft videos and wearing my white circle scarf like a tube top. Bedtime!



June 8

1:50 p.m.

The bad news: I lost my drivers license and just spent 2 hours and $20 at the DMV getting a new one.

The good news: It seems VA is now allowing you to smile in your picture again, so I will no longer look like a serial killer on my primary ID.

Bonus news: For the first time ever, I listed the weight that I am and not the weight I think I should be. Because I’m 44 years old and no one cares and this is who I am dammit! *throws hat in the air – burns bra*


June 9

11:38 a.m.

I have a million things I should be doing right now (that’s right – ONE MILLION). But first, I think it’s very important that I eat all of the leftover Chinese food in my refrigerator.


June 11

10:35 a.m.

Eleanor: Mom, can I have some juice?

Me: I’m kind of busy honey, you can get that yourself.

Visiting 5 Year Old: Make that 2!

Me: How about “Eleanor – could you please get me some juice too?”

Visiting 5 Year Old: Make that 3!

She’s got my back.


June 12

1:24 p.m.

Before George’s soccer game today…

Chris: Hey – I want you to meet [woman’s name]. Look for her at the game – she’s blond…tall…thin…really pretty….

Me: You’re going to have to give me more incentive than that.

(He should have lead with the fact that her son is on George’s team and they want a play date.)

9:04 p.m.

Every Sunday evening I have to explain to my kids that yes, they DO have to go to bed on time because they have school the next morning and need a good night’s sleep. Little do they know it’s really because Game of Thrones is on at 9:00.


June 16

3:53 p.m.

I now know why yoga pants were invented. Here’s a hint: try doing down dog in shorts. Then look at your knees. Gravity is not kind to the aging body… #movingtomars

5:38 p.m.

Just as we pulled up to the pool, What a Feeling came on the radio. My kids then exchanged “dodged a bullet” looks because SINGING! There may be an a capella performance on the way home… #CloseMyEyesIAmRhythm

7:07 p.m.

I’m the kind of mom who buys educational games to play with her children. And then never opens them because ohmygod I hate games.


June 23

1:24 p.m.

I love it when teachers really know their students and recognize their unique strengths like this. Also – nailed it.



1:50 p.m.

I am the worst when it comes to volunteering in my kids’ classrooms and chaperoning field trips (combo of not wanting to lose time I can be working in a quiet house and not wanting to be out in the world socializing any more than strictly required). BUT I do come in for the end of year class parties and drive them home instead of making them hang around to ride the bus while I enjoy ONE LAST HOUR to myself.

George was the first to tell me he was ready to go, and I waited by the door as he gathered his things. I whispered that he should say goodbye (meaning to his teacher). So obviously, he yelled into the room, “BYE EVERYBODY! HAVE A GREAT YEAR!” (not just a great summer – because really – why stop at Labor Day?) After a few called “bye” back, one little boy came over and jokingly hugged him saying, “George! I’m gonna miss you!” So of course, another kid “brought it in” on the other side. Then another, then another…and suddenly, George was engulfed in a Bad News Bears group hug of screaming nine year olds, and pumping his fist in the air, yelling “HAVE A GREAT YEAR! HAVE A GREAT YEAR!” It was epic.

George’s take on this: “they’re gonna miss me because they love me SO MUCH.” My take: any excuse to scream. Either way – I wish I got it on video.

5:15 p.m.

If some one tried to offer me a frozen piece of cheese I would think they were crazy. But the cheese on that frozen pizza waiting to go in the oven? Whole different ballgame.

10:57 p.m.

George: So this is what I believe. Before you’re born, you get to pick who your mom will be.

Me: And you picked me?!

George: Yes.

Me: Well thank you.

George: Yeah – and if you just want a random, you spin the roulette wheel.

-George on what lies beyond the veil…


June 25 

8:48 p.m.

Sometimes you just have to stay in the car to hear the rest of Thunder Road. #cuesaxophone


June 27 

9:04 a.m.

George: Mom – you know how that one time in Sponge Bob, he said “don’t drop the soap?”

Me: Uh….yeah?

George: Well what does that mean?

Me: Um… It’s about prison…how people there can be dangerous…you don’t want to turn your back on anyone because you can’t see them coming…. Like if you drop the soap and bend down to get it, they could jump you.

George: You mean jump ON you?

Me: Yeah – like to hurt you. “Jump you” means try to…um…beat you up. Hurt you.

George: They’re allowed to DO THAT?!

Me: Well, no – the guards are supposed to be watching to make sure that doesn’t happen.

George: OH – because they don’t want the soap to get dirty.

Me: Pretty much.

12:24 p.m.

Scenes from your sister’s pediatrician appointment. #travelingcircus


2:36 p.m.

Four kids hanging off the side of the pool in the deep end…

Eleanor: Mom! Tell us who wins!

Four heads duck under water and stay there. Eleanor comes up first. Then friend #1. Then friend #2. Then George.

Me: George won.

Eleanor: What?! But I came up first!

Me: I thought you were seeing who could hold their breath the longest! Whoever comes up last would win!

Friend #2: Oh yeah….

I think they’re broken.

7:20 p.m.

Being a mom means always accepting the cheese touch from your child and never passing it on.

(If your kids are younger than 6 and older than 17 you probably won’t have any idea what I’m talking about.) #DiaryofaWimpyKid


June 29

8:04 p.m.

George: [unintelligible fury over something Oliver is doing/saying]

Me: Just ignore it.


Me: People are going to be annoying you for the rest of your life, and you can’t blow up every time that happens.

George: [muttering] Yes I can.



Be back shortly with July and August!

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